Background Story

For the past 15 or so years I’ve always tried to punk randoms by saying ‘So is your wife/gf the one with the mole above her right tit and that birthmark on her right inner thigh?’
So far it hasnt worked until……………….

Last night School Reunion drinks

So I rock up about 20mins late with my mate(just in case I drank too much a needed a ride home), headed for the bar for my first round of beer before doing the rounds of catching up with some old school buddies and tools.
It was totally like one of those speed dating things people attend where you have 5mins to catch up with someone before moving on.
At first the usual happens with people talking up their lives:
tool #1: So I’ve finally cracked the big leagues.
tool #2: Yeah… how so?
tool #1: Well I’ve worked hard at this place for the past 5 years and I’ve finally made it to be general manager! I’m going to get a big raise and the works 🙂
tool #2: Congrats, All I’ve amassed in the past decade was getting married, popping two kids, growing older, balder with a bout of blue balls.

Then there were some dorks talking about their sex lives:
Casanova #1: So I was holidaying up in bangkok last year when you know, when in bangkok, do the locals hehe
Me: Really you porked a thing with a dick?
Casanova #1: No dumbass, I did one of the local chicks there, totally rocked that ass!
Me: So did she have an adams apple?
Casanova #1: I was rocking her from the back man, you are such a killjoy cheekz.
Me: So you totally boned up a local ladyboy and I’m the killjoy?
Casanova #1: FU!

There were more but I pretty much spaced out due to the snorefest that entailed with all the banter until I reached about the 7th person.
I didnt really know this guy but he did tell a story about his wife’s experiences at work as a nurse at a very familiar hospital that I’d recently visited.
Random #1: So my wife works as a nurse at this hospital and theres heaps of weird injuries that people are treated for in emergency.
Crowd: Do tell us some of the weird injuries
Random #1: Well, she’s treated quite alot of people who’ve vacummed their sausages, some ladies with various things up their orifices and the most recent of all was this guy who came in with a broken sausage.
Crowd: Say what??? broken sausage? I thought that was a myth they made about Dennis Rodman to make him more manly instead of that cross dressing thing that he really is.
Random #1: Nah, its a serious injury, apparently violent vigorous sex leads to that.
Me: Wait, your wife works at ************* hospital??
Random #1: Yeah, how’d you know that?
Me: Is she a brunette with shoulder length hair and a gold necklace?(that was the only nurse that I remembered)
Random #1: ???
Crowd: Omg, cheekz say it aint so :O
Random #1: *it took him a while before he finally processed it* it was…….. you?
Me: Who has two thumbs and was fondled by your wife???? THIS GUY!!!
Random #1: You’re so full of it
Me: Lol, your wife totally handled my sausage!!!
Crowd: Bahahhahhahahha
Me: Dont be a hater man, just to eaze the pain is your wife the one with a mole above her right tit and a birthmark on her right inner thigh?
Random #1: :O
Crowd: :O
Me: 😀
Random #1: How, wait what? *begins to rage
Me: Am I right or ???
Random #1: WTF!!!
Me: I dont lie and if I’m right about all those things about your wife then yeah Bom chika wow WOW!! 😀
Random #1: How could you do that…….. like WTF!!!
Me: Well it all started when she was assigned to monitor my progress, she had to come by every now and then to check the ice packs and take my temp.
You know the usual crap.
Crowd: :O
Me: Well on the third or fourth visit of the night she was instructed to take a temp of my sausage but since I was still a bit fragile in the area I told her to touch it with her lip because you know its all soft and you can so gauge the temp that way. She was apprehensive at first but after a few words of encouragement she went for it!!
Crowd: Lol, then did you pause the show to take a leak?? you’re so full of it……….
Me: Pfffttttt haters gonna hate but anyway one thing lead to another and she was taking my temp with her mouth, I was fondling her tits and she was spread eagled infront of me 😀
Random #1: You’re such a dkhead, quit mixing your fantasies with real life scenarios you fgt.
Me: Oh really…….. so does you wife have a mole above her right tit and have a birthmark on her right inner thigh then?
Random #1: Nice guess but I’m not going to fall for that *face turns red and begins to rage
Me: guess??? yeah I totally guessed all those things aye…. Seriously what are the chances of guessing all that?
Crowd: Bahahahahahha, cheekz you dirty bastard.
Random #1: FU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A few more rumblings happen before random #1 reaches for his phone to call his wife.
Random #1: WTF DID YOU DO!!!!!!!!! YOU SCREWED AROUND AT WORK WITH A PATIENT??? YOU FOOKING WHORE!!!!!!!
Random #1: BLah Blah blah blah blah blah
Crowd: :O
Me: Holy crap, I cant believe this is actually happening.
During this time a few guys were hi fiving me whilst another group were just looking down shaking their heads.
Random #1: DONT LIE TO ME YOU WHORE!!! NOW I AM GLAD THAT IVE SLEPT AROUND WITH MY SECRETARY!!! YOU WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crowd: :O :O :O
Me: BAHAHAHAHHAHAHahhahahahaha
Random #1: YOU BETTER START PACKING YOUR BAGS BECAUSE WE’RE THROUGH YOU WHORE!!!
Me: This just got serious.
Crowd: Wait what?? you were full of it just then??
Mate: BAHAHAHAHHA I cant believe that finally worked.
Me: I know aye!
Crowd: ???
I explained the whole thing was a 15 year long shot punking and the crowd unanimously HOLY CRAPPED THEIR PANTS AND WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED!
Random #1: CHEEKZ YOU RUINED MY MARRIAGE YOU SOB!!
Me: I ruined your marriage by telling you to screw around with your secretary?
Random #1: FU! (insert various expletives for 5mins)
Crowd: You are such a dkhead random #1
Me: SMUG SMUG SMUG SMUG SMUG
Mate: Youre such a shit stirrer.
More profanities continued before I got tired and rolled off to the pokies for some button pushing.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, Cheekz School Reunion 🙂
It was a snorefest but developed into the confirmation of my viral status and also the breaking up of a marriage by me 🙂
P.S other things to note, Dux of the year became a general manager at his local supermarket whilst the dummiest bastard in the class eventually retired in his mid 30’s.
One of the teachers who totally slammed my work ethics during school was amazed at what I’d achieved and majority of the hot chicks from school are now fatties of society chewing up vital health funds with their various diseases.
Oh yeah, finally my year churned out 5 true rags to riches millionaires and this random couple keep floating around me all night like the turd that doesnt flush!